Tuesday, January 31, 2006


i don't need no steenkin title

howdy there. well, yup, still here, didn't go anywhere, well, actually, i did, we did, we went on vacation, a short one, a close one, just a lil getaway, we shot out to kauai for a long weekend, was very nice, gracias, although the wife got sick, and we were freaking out cuz she was running a fever when we got back, went to the emergency room, everything was ok, she's just 'bout round the bend i think, fever broke, still nursing a cold, baby's fine, wife's fine, thx for asking, even though you didn't ask.

well, look at me, second paragraph and i haven't even mentioned down syndrome yet. voila. it feels more normal and not something to trip about every day and the baby's not even born yet. not to say we're through the woods, these woods is deep, there's lions tigers a bear and plenty of "oh my's" lurking methinks, and we still get moments of apprehension, fear, etc., but we're dealing, we is strong, methinks? oh well, strong enuff...

one thing we're still working on is when/how to tell our families. we found out about the DS right after finding out she's a girl, so we haven't told anyone either bit of info. i think we're gonna let everyone know that she's a girl first, and then lay the info in ref: the DS at a later date. i just don't want people to judge her, my little girl, without first setting an image in their mind, of their granddaughter, their niece, their cousin, etc., get some emotional attachment, then maybe they'll be better equipped to digest the news that this child coming into all our lives will be quote unquote "special."

yadda yadda yadda. anyway, just wanted to let that one person that doesn't exist that's reading this that things are good, and we're hanging in there. actually, i just wanted to type a bunch of stuff and see it on the screen and empty out my head for the nonce. i think that's it for now. it's interesting, this feeling, of being able to type whatever i want, of letting loose, worries, fears, exacerbations (huh?) but i do, yes, think that's it for now, i know, i thought i had more knowledge as well. be safe, kids.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


yup it's me again

Howdy yo howdy. Well, I found some links, or, actually, cut & pasted them, so you can click on some stuff, you being me & me being moi. Sigh etc. well, yup, we’re still scared, still anxious, but still happy. I try to keep positive, to think about the Holland italy analogy, look at all the cute pictures that parents on the net have of their kids, know that what I am embarking on, although not the “standard” of raising Arizona, or Oregon, or Hawaii, is what it is going to be for me & mine, and that is a beautiful thing, showing a little child her way in the world, trying to set up and establish the best setting for her to live her life, keep an eye on her, give her the best of everything, be there to pick her up when she falls, encourage her when she struggles, love her & hug her when she’s sad and cheer for her when she succeeds, I know I will do all these things and more and that she will teach me things of which at this point I cannot even imagine. She has taught me so much already. She has already made me a better person, a more complete, caring, and consciousness expanded person, shown me what’s really important in this life, and she hasn’t even been born yet. She is already so amazing. Sigh and le jardin and plus a side of raspberry ice cream. Take it easy johannessburg and associated villas and burgs, you in the north and you on the fringe, as well as normal frank and Estelle, much love to you all. Drop me a line in the comments if you’ve anything to say, if you exist. Gracias.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006


a little more clearheaded this time...

It’s hard. There are moments of exquisite happiness, as I rub my wife’s belly & think about the beautiful child within, and then there are moments of sadness, in which I think, this child, as amazing as she will be, will not be quote unquote normal, her life will be different, and then I shake my head and remember that there is nothing wrong with different, different is not wrong, different is not bad, different is just different. And there are incredible amounts of things that can be done for and with children with down syndrome from the time they are born nowadays, including nutritional intervention, mental & physical exercises, and massive amounts of attention and caring, to the point where they can be completely mainlined in with regular classrooms, reading at 3 years old, top of their classes, running around playing, being a normal kid, all that jazz.

But then the doubt creeps in. and the health concerns, despite their supposed reduction via nutritional intervention, the 50% of children with down that have heart problems, the rate at which they have stomach problems, sleep apnea, early onset alzheimers, all the horror stories, all the worry, all the concern, for this little innocent child that asked nothing more to be born and to be a kid and have fun, and what if she has to lay in the hospital after debilitating operations, and she’s in pain? These are the thoughts that grabbed us after first hearing the news, the fear of our child in pain and suffering, which had us leaning toward the idea that termination of the pregnancy was the best, although incredibly painful & frightening, option.

But these statistics about health problems and lack of education on the possibilities and actual lives of people with down syndrome, like certain scare tactic stories in politics and other arenas of the world, are only the bad side, and the real truth (apparently) is that children with down syndrome, even if they have health problems out the gate, can get surgery that has been very refined and perfected to make adjustments for these problems, be they with the heart, the stomach, or what have you, and go on to lead perfectly happy & healthy & productive lives.

And the process of which they rip that child out of a woman’s womb if you do decide to end it. Tearing your child into pieces and pulling her out as my wife sleeps, awakened feeling empty and sad and empty and afraid. Or else they put a long needle into her & kill the child and then prompt labor, which could go on who knows how long and you give birth to a dead child. We just couldn’t do it. We wouldn’t do it. We will have our child and love our child and make the best of our lives and likely have a great deal of rough times and challenges and I think a greater deal of happiness and love and the fond reflection of looking back on the decision we made with a great amount of comfort and gratitude that we didn’t sacrifice what may have been our souls on the line for what appeared to be the better short term option for maximizing our current comfort zones and quote unquote normal lives.

This is not to say that I disrespect anyone that made the other decision. I don’t. everyone is different. That is the road most traveled. And it is the right decision for many. We would not be bringing this child into the world if we didn’t want to love & take care of her & felt very confident in our abilities to do so.

Sigh, I’m done for now. I could go on all day. More later, more nonstop chatter as well as some links hopefully, I’ve got a million of each, in whatever denomination sounds appropriate. Capiche & etcetera…

Sunday, January 15, 2006


i was caught short but let me clear my throat...

Hi. Comfortable? Ok. Now let me lay one on ya. My unborn child has down syndrome. My unborn daughter. She is a little over four months pregnant inside my wife’s belly. And I love her very much. And we were given the choice of whether to keep her or to ”terminate” her, and we chose to keep her, to let her be born, but, yes, we vacillated, and for most of a weekend, the choice seemed to be that we were going to get rid of her, to put her off into the cosmic field, to take the road most traveled (80-90%, by some estimates) but at the moment of critical critcicalness, we chose the road less traveled, the only road for us, the road that could make us feel like human beings, the ones in which we could look ourselves in the mirror in the morning. If our daughter is willing to push so hard to survive against all the odds than what would we be to deny her her existence, ne’sct pas? You know what I mean, or you don’t, either way it doesn’t really matter.

Obviously, or maybe not so, it has been the roughest week of my (our) lives, one that has been full of mountains and valleys, the highest & the deepest, and everything else that intrudes in the existence per se, is colored, nay, dominated, by this presence, this omniversity, of this ideal, this entity, this dillio, that is permeating all thoughts & mindprocesses.

I love this baby. I love my daughter. That doesn’t mean I do not fear for her. That doesn’t mean I don’t sit up at night & by day wondering how the world will react to her, wondering how her reaction will be to us bringing her into the world. But that is something I have to live with & hope against all hopes, hope for all hopes, for the sanctity of life, that it is a positive force, that it is something of which there will never be any dispute hereafter of the goodnaturedness of my (our) decision. Thus it was & thus it shall be.

There are lots of studies & lots of articles & lots of research of which what says that children with down syndrome can achieve just as much if not more than quote unquote “normal” kids, and these are things that I will lay on you at a later date, of that I can be sure, but at this juncture, just know, that whatever happens, this is the decision of which was made, and I never second guessed myself, except in the back of my mind, like all big decisions, but like my wife & I said today, what if this child was made for bigger things, and what if she was not, whatevers, she was preordained to be born unto us so that she could come into this world, and if she was born unto those of different mindsets, not that those mindsets were of any type of inferior structure, and not that they weren’t, she would not be here in the future, and she will be, notwithstanding the 30% odds, as the doctors speak, that she might not make it until the moment of childbirth, and you know what, in all honesty, I hope that she does make it, because I look forward to meeting my beautiful daughter, and knowing her, and learning from her, because, and this is not the only reason because, add in all the other potential reasons that of which of course one could learn & benefit from a daughter in this world & be inspired and made the antithesis of ignorance of the world, but, well the world the way it is & so forth and information getting lost in the nether notwithstanding, congrats &hallelujah for getting this far. More later & mahalo & aloha.

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